Moving through fear

It seems this has been my lesson for the past weeks… So many old patterns have been coming up, so many things that I thought I dealt with already, so many blockages.

As you probably know I’m leaving the island for 3,5 months. My initial idea was to visit the Netherlands for 2 weeks and then travel in Guatemala for 3 months. My new apartment would be renovated in this time period, all seemed to be aligned perfectly.

But then going to Guatemala didn’t work out and I all of the sudden found myself without a house to go back to. I surrendered to the process, trusting that everything that felt so strongly aligned before was still right. Something else would come…

And it did! My dream of walking the Camino de Santiago came to the surface again and I realised this was the perfect timing! So all seemed to work out fine again.

I wasn’t necessarily looking forward to spend nearly 2 months in the Netherlands before starting the Camino, but I found a lovely house & cat to take care of and convinced myself it would also be good for my business.

Then all of the sudden work stopped flowing and some financial issues showed up. My resistance of leaving the island and being in the Netherlands turned out to be very strong. I worked through all that came up and had many intense processes, but every time I felt I shed some necessary layers and could see the beauty of the process.

Then some more issues arose: the car I was hoping/expecting to drive in the Netherlands fell through, the options I thought I had to take care of my cat Yin while I’m away fell through, the person who would drive my car here decided differently and then I heard that the whole renovation would probably only last a few weeks and I could stay in my apartment longer if I liked.

I thought about it for a little, but told the owners I couldn’t change my plans and agreements in the Netherlands anymore. And then a few moments later I wrenched my back (where I hurt it before long time ago).

So… What now? Are the signs telling me to stay? Am I forcing myself into something that’s not good for me? Or have I reached my “terror barrier” or “fear zone” that you need to break through to really get the result your looking for…?

I can tell myself all sorts of stories why I should stay here, I can read the signs in a way that’s confirming my comfort zone, so I can convince myself to stay here.

But I know I’m in the process of growing into something new and growth can be (quite physically at the moment) painful. Old fears show up and can trick you into believing that it’s better not to take that new step, that new opportunity, that thing that has opened up for you. Even in ways that you don’t even realise that it is you blocking yourself…

I’ve seen it happening with someone else this week and I got to observe her process from close by. And it made me realize -even though my fears and patterns manifest in a completely different way- I’m going through the same thing.

My ego wants to “protect” me, keep me safe, in the familiar – my comfort zone. But I choose growth, including all the growth pains, including all the (pretty intense) lessons, because I know in the end it is worth it!

Is it uncomfortable? Yes! Would I prefer to not do it and stay where it feels good? Yes! But I choose to move beyond it, to push through, to break down that terror barrier and get to new places. As that’s where the adventure is, where the excitement lives and life can be enjoyed to the fullest!

So I’m feeling the fear, facing my demons and doing it anyway! Looking forward to what awaits on the other side. And in the mean time, I’m trusting the process.

Netherlands – I’ll see you soon and I’m sure it will be a wonderful, valuable & interesting time!

UPDATE 13-2-2023
By now I’ve found an amazing place for Yin to stay as well as someone who’s happy to drive my car! So all seems to fall into place at the last minute again… As always!

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