Proud of myself

Proud of myself! 52 days after being “released” from my Vipassana I finally sat down to meditate again, ready to face my demons.

I haven’t shared much about it yet, but I came out of my Vipassana in a very low emotional, almost depressed state. Not knowing what the meaning of life is, not knowing why I am alive… Feeling lost, crying a lot, not able to find a spark of joy for anything. And without my inner guidance system I just didn’t know what to do!

Luckily I got the chance to join a writers retreat for free and being there completely shifted my focus. It helped me to let my creativity flow and with that the joy for life came back. But I made sure to keep my focus outside of me, because I didn’t want to feel or know what was going on inside…

Today I woke up at 6.30 (without an alarm!) and I knew it was time. Time to sit down again, do my Vipassana (meditation) and Metta (sending out love) and to just be with whatever would come up. So I wrapped myself in a big, warm blanket and went to sit outside on my balcony, while it was still half dark.

I set an alarm on 22 minutes for the Vipassana (to be followed by 8 minutes of Metta), closed my eyes, started the practice and I made it through the 22 minutes without any heavy emotions, without pain in my body, without fear creaping up…! When I looked at my alarm to see how long was left (expected to probably only made it half way), the last 3 seconds on my clock ticked away in front of my eyes. I made it!! That made me so happy and filled me with love for myself that doing the Metta, the sending out love, was super easy!!

I know this doesn’t mean I’ve faced all my demons, but it does mean to me I’m ready to continue where I left.

I realise it’s time to start writing about my experience soon, as already on day 2 of my Vipassana it became really clear to me that I would have to write a book about my experience (and by that time I was still feeling excited about it!).

Over the coming weeks/months I’ll be sharing parts of my experience with you, until it all comes together in my book. Looking forward to this new journey!!