Resistance to change

If I look back at my life, the past years have been all about change. I have changed! I’ve changed a lot. If I look back, I can hardly believe how much has changed over the past years, and especially the last year. The change started over 5 years ago, after I hit my head very hard at a iron wine bottle holder at the restaurant I was working at. I got a pretty nasty head concussion that took me weeks to recover from. A few months later I was still not feeling like I used to, and through a lot of beautiful synchronicities I ended up receiving my first Reiki session. In that session I felt so much! I was overwhelmed with emotions, I felt so much love, I felt ‘at home’. I felt as if I finally knew who I was again, after I had lost touch with my true nature.

The Reiki had opened me up to my feelings and emotions again, which I had been hiding away for years and the first days all I could do was cry. Tears kept coming and I felt out of touch with everything I did. I realised a lot of things in my life weren’t in alignment with my heart and I started making different choices. I remember how hard it was to make certain decisions, as it felt I let a lot of people down. I received a lot of help from my friends back then (as I was suffering from my concussion), partly for sustaining my business that I started, and now I realised I didn’t want to continue with that business. It almost felt like I betrayed them, but I knew I had to make the decision that felt right for me. So I quit. Luckily most of them understood.

The change started slowly (although quite drastically), but it has been speeding up over the years. And the past 2 years – also because I’m consciously accelerating my process – it goes faster than ever. Where I first was hiding myself, my feelings, my emotions, but mostly my ‘spiritual’ side, now it’s all in the open. But yesterday I realised there still was a resistance to change.

Since I moved to Ibiza a lot has changed, and I’ve lost quite some friends along the way. I feel more in touch with who I truly am, I feel more alive, more connected and more happy than ever, and I also made some beautiful new friendships. But losing old friends, or feeling people not understanding me is still very hard. As I have been bullied when I was young, there’s still a part of me that wants to be liked by everyone, that’s scared what might happen if people think I’m “different”. Consciously making decisions that set me apart from others feels like consciously choosing to be ‘the odd one out’. So sometimes I try not to be too different. After everything that already changed, to slow down a bit, so people can catch up with me.

Until I came to a realization yesterday: trying to play it small because of the people around me is not helping anyone. Trying to slow down for others, while I feel like I want to accelerate, grow and expand is not working. I know the only way I can truly be of help to others, is when I allow myself to fully embody everything that wants to work through me – and that is a lot. And after moving to Ibiza, becoming vegan, giving up my party/drinking lifestyle, starting to channel and changing my name (to name a few major changes), I want to take the next step as well. I don’t want to hold back in any way anymore, I don’t want to be anything less than I am, I want to fully embrace and embody all that I am! And even though I don’t fully know yet how this will look like, giving up the resistance to change is the first step. I am ready, bring it on!!