FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY
It seems this has been my lesson for the past weeks… So many old patterns have been coming up, so many things that I thought I dealt with already, so many blockages.

As you probably know I’m leaving the island for 3,5 months. My initial idea was to visit the Netherlands for 2 weeks and then travel in Guatemala for 3 months. My new apartment would be renovated in this time period, all seemed to be aligned perfectly.

But then going to Guatemala didn’t work out and I all of the sudden found myself without a house to go back to. I surrendered to the process, trusting that everything that felt so strongly aligned before was still right. Something else would come…

And it did! My dream of walking the Camino de Santiago came to the surface again and I realised this was the perfect timing! So all seemed to work out fine again.

I wasn’t necessarily looking forward to spend nearly 2 months in the Netherlands before starting the Camino, but I found a lovely house & cat to take care of and convinced myself it would also be good for my business.

Then all of the sudden work stopped flowing and some financial issues showed up. My resistance of leaving the island and being in the Netherlands turned out to be very strong. I worked through all that came up and had many intense processes, but every time I felt I shed some necessary layers and could see the beauty of the process.

Then some more issues arose: the car I was hoping/expecting to drive in the Netherlands fell through, the options I thought I had to take care of my cat Yin while I’m away fell through, the person who would drive my car here decided differently and then I heard that the whole renovation would probably only last a few weeks and I could stay in my apartment longer if I liked.

I thought about it for a little, but told the owners I couldn’t change my plans and agreements in the Netherlands anymore. And then a few moments later I wrenched my back (where I hurt it before long time ago).

So… What now? Are the signs telling me to stay? Am I forcing myself into something that’s not good for me? Or have I reached my “terror barrier” or “fear zone” that you need to break through to really get the result your looking for…?

I can tell myself all sorts of stories why I should stay here, I can read the signs in a way that’s confirming my comfort zone, so I can convince myself to stay here.

But I know I’m in the process of growing into something new and growth can be (quite physically at the moment) painful. Old fears show up and can trick you into believing that it’s better not to take that new step, that new opportunity, that thing that has opened up for you. Even in ways that you don’t even realise that it is you blocking yourself…

I’ve seen it happening with someone else this week and I got to observe her process from close by. And it made me realize -even though my fears and patterns manifest in a completely different way- I’m going through the same thing.

My ego wants to “protect” me, keep me safe, in the familiar – my comfort zone. But I choose growth, including all the growth pains, including all the (pretty intense) lessons, because I know in the end it is worth it!

Is it uncomfortable? Yes! Would I prefer to not do it and stay where it feels good? Yes! But I choose to move beyond it, to push through, to break down that terror barrier and get to new places. As that’s where the adventure is, where the excitement lives and life can be enjoyed to the fullest!

So I’m feeling the fear, facing my demons and doing it anyway! Looking forward to what awaits on the other side. And in the mean time, I’m trusting the process.

Netherlands – I’ll see you soon and I’m sure it will be a wonderful, valuable & interesting time!

UPDATE 13-2-2023
By now I’ve found an amazing place for Yin to stay as well as someone who’s happy to drive my car! So all seems to fall into place at the last minute again… As always!

This was shared in a video somewhere – personally I rather read the text myself, so I looked it up and sharing it here with you:

“The so-called black sheep of the family are, in fact, hunters born of paths of liberation into the family tree.

The members of a tree who do not conform to the norms or traditions of the family system, those who since childhood have constantly sought to revolutionise beliefs, going against the paths marked by family traditions, those criticised, judged and even rejected, these are usually called to free the tree of repetitive stories that frustrate entire generations.

The black sheep, those who do not adapt, those who cry rebelliously, play a basic role within each family system, they repair, pick up and create new and unfold branches in the family tree.

Thanks to these members, our trees renew their roots. Its rebellion is fertile soil, its madness is water that nourishes, its stubbornness is new air, its passion is fire that re-ignites the light of the heart of the ancestors.

Uncountable repressed desires, unfulfilled dreams, the frustrated talents of our ancestors are manifested in the rebelliousness of these black sheep seeking fulfilment. The genealogical tree, by inertia will want to continue to maintain the castrating and toxic course of its trunk, which makes the task of our sheep a difficult and conflicting work.

However, who would bring new flowers to our tree if it were not for them? Who would create new branches? Without them, the unfulfilled dreams of those who support the tree generations ago would die buried beneath their own roots.

Let no one cause you to doubt, take care of your rarity as the most precious flower of your tree.

You are the dream of all your ancestors.“

– Bert Hellinger

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NO SOCIAL MEDIA
Soooo… 23 days without social media so far! It’s been very weird at the start, kept unlocking my phone only to realise there wasn’t really anything to do with it…

It def saves me a lot of time scrolling, reading/watching (un)interesting content or thinking about/creating my own content.

But I also noticed that I missed keeping up to date with some people… So I decided to message then directly to catch up and must say that brings a lot more joy and true connection than social media did!

By now I’m not uselessly picking up my phone anymore and I’m connecting directly with the people I want to be in touch with at this moment (please don’t be offended if I haven’t messaged you personally yet) – so, anything else I miss? To be honest, not really!!

I think it makes me spend a lot less time on my phone and make more real, direct connections to people… So, so far I can only recommend!

PS: for my business I don’t see any real change either! People seem to find me through others with the events that I do.

I was thinking of waiting to share it, as it would be “better” if I had everything else organised as well. My new web texts, the whole outline of my new direction, a clear explanation of it all… But I have decided I’m doing it differently this time! 😁

Yesterday someone came to help me to take the bed apart that was in the bedroom of my new house. Even though I didn’t know the guy who came to help (he’s a friend of the owner of the bed), we worked together as a good team. I let him take the lead, tell me what to do and assisted where and how I could, which worked out really well.

This morning I realised this is one of my strengths, but also my weaknesses: I’m good at adjusting to any situation, offering help and support, while staying in the background and don’t ask too much attention for myself. Looking back I can see how this has evolved over the years.

It probably started when I was not liked that much by my classmates in primary school. Staying in the background and not drawing attention to me helped with not getting bullied as much. Later learning at home to help out even when I didn’t feel like it, being told “little effort, lots of joy” (“kleine moeite, groot plezier”) – it’s not that much effort for you, but it brings a lot of joy to another – certainly helped in enhancing the behaviour of putting someone else’s needs before mine. And when I started working in hospitality (as a waitress/hostess) it became even more enhanced, as “client is king”. Here I started to enjoy staying kind and helpful to even the rudest clients, so they would go home with a good feeling. And I would feel good as I did what I was supposed to do in my job, bringing hospitality into practice, even into the smallest details and to the rudest clients.

Still I love taking care of others, I love helping out, I love supporting and assisting where I can. Not only in my work (now supporting in the background of communication and of course helping and supporting through my healings, coaching, meditations and retreats), but also in all of my other relations. I’ve realised now that this strength becomes a weakness when I’m overdoing it, and I haven’t found the right balance yet.

Looking back at my recently ended love relationship, I can clearly see how I went into this role of giving, helping and supporting and placing myself in the background. And ending up losing myself. It’s not that my boyfriend expected me to do that, or even asked it from me, I did it without realising it all too much, until I felt out of balance, empty, tired from giving so much. I tried to ask for help (which I admit I’m not really good at) and tried to change it, but the balance was lost.

The thing was (and still is), now if I DON’T do something I know I can do to help or support someone else, I feel bad about it, maybe even guilty. As “little effort, lots of joy” – I could just do it, not a big deal for me, I know it will help the other and helping the other makes me happy as well. So adjusting this part in our relationship on my own didn’t really work. It looks like I’ve lost the balance somewhere along the way and it’s very difficult to really feel when I’m over-giving, because I love giving and helping so much, I truly do! So where is the balance? When do I say ‘yes’, when do I say ‘no’? Where and when do I offer my help? Or how long do I wait with asking someone (as I know it might be easier for them if I wait a little longer) to help me?

With a lot of things I don’t really mind if it goes one way or another, so I can always easily adjust to the other person. I’m happy to help, to make the other person feel good. But of course often I have a (slight) preference. So now I’m learning to become aware of the preference and to voice it, even to acknowledge it to myself is already a huge step! I’m becoming aware that I actually do have a preference and then I’m finding out how to express that to others. It’s an interesting journey!

I’m really curious to hear if you have a similar experience and how you are handling it! We can always learn from each other. Thanks!

PS: in the picture my new bed, which I put together all by myself, as of course I didn’t ask for help… Learning in progress!

I have some exciting news to share! But first I want to say: thanks so much for the massive responses and love I received (on Facebook) after my previous blog post, it really touched me!

So the last time I wrote is 2 days ago. Only 2 days! I was shocked when I checked it, it felt for me as a week haha…

Exactly 1 week ago, last Thursday, I went to have a look at a casita (small house) somewhere up in the north of the island. It was a lovely meeting with the Dutch lady that owns it, the casita was nice, but the location was quite far out and the casita was small.

As I only had 1 more week in Casa Solara (my old ‘home’ where I was so lucky to be able to rent a room in the meantime) and I didn’t want to share a house with a complete stranger, I was happy that at least I found something that was available, affordable and where I would have everything for myself.

To be honest, coming from a beautiful campo house with 3 big bedrooms and an amazing garden I really had to adjust to see myself living here. I know that on my own I can’t afford a campo house with 3 bedrooms, but the difference couldn’t be much bigger… Still I was grateful to know I had a place to go to.

2 days later I receive a message on Facebook from another Dutch lady, she has 2 rooms and a bathroom available. So the next day, last Sunday, I went to see it. This place was right in the area I want to live, the 2 rooms and bathroom looked good and they had lots of furniture I could use. This felt much better, a lot much more spacious, but it didn’t have a kitchen (I’d had to improvise one) and the family turned out to have 5 kids.

I really love cooking, so no kitchen (and no sink or anything) felt a bit weird, and I do love kids, but living with 5 of them next door…? I had to sleep on it. I came to the conclusion that, as I now only had 3 more days until I had to move out, I was grateful to have found something bigger and not so isolated. So I cancelled the casita.

On Tuesday night I could feel a sadness in me. Even though the place looked lovely and the family seemed really nice to me, I didn’t feel excited about my move. It felt as if I was trapped. I’d been looking on so many websites and Facebook groups for houses, I’ve been tagged in so many posts (thanks for all the help everyone!!), I received a lot of private messages with links to houses, but it seemed I had to move to a temporary place again, from which I wasn’t sure if I would feel at home.

Then yesterday (Wednesday) came… In the morning I still felt this sadness in me, knowing I had to move today and still not feeling really happy about it. I didn’t want to focus on it, as I knew it wouldn’t help me in any way, so I distracted myself with work. Then I received a message from another Dutch lady (so many Dutchies here haha) that I messaged with a few days before. When we were in touch before I told her my budget and it wasn’t enough for her place, but now she messaged me again saying she wanted to talk. So I called her.

It was a lovely conversation where she explained they just had a new 2 bedroom apartment in Cala Vadella, but because of code orange they couldn’t go there now and they wanted someone trustworthy to be in their house for now. If I could pay a little more than I first said, I could move in the next day!

She sent me the brochure of the house and it looked absolutely amazing!! Not in the place I was looking for (but on the other end of the island haha), but at least it felt as a place where I could settle in as it looked good, it had a kitchen, amazing views and no kids around. So I said YES! At least now for the next month I knew I’d be in a beautiful place and I had the time to look for something from the beginning of October.

That was already a lot to take in in 1 day, but the story continues…

I called one of my good friends on the island to share my story, as well as to tell her I would be in Cala Vadella – a place she really loves. I told her she could come over and visit, to see and experience it.

Then she said something I never expected… “Do you want to swap?”!

My friend just moved into a lovely place between San Carlos and Santa Eularia (my preferred area), on the 1st of August. She knew I really loved her place, as I went to visit the house with her for the first viewing. In fact, I was the one who saw it on Facebook and then sent it to her, as back then I didn’t feel I’d be ready to move out of our campo house by August 1st.

And now, just 1 month later, she offers me to leave her place with a year round contract in the area that I love, so she can move to a temporary place in an area I don’t really want to be. I couldn’t believe it!! I had to let that sink in and – even though it sounded amazing – feel if this was really what I wanted…

The house in Cala Vadella seemed really nice as well and everything was arranged, I’d move in there in less than 20 hours! Could I really change everything again, or did I wanted a month of beauty and quietness in Cala Vadella?

As I’m still trying to find my new way of navigating through my life, I needed some time to consider… But soon I realised this was it! I’d get an amazing 1 bedroom place that I can afford in an area I love and my friend would finally move to the place that she really loves!!!

So after checking with the owner of Cala Vadella (who was luckily so flexible to allow it and also be happy with this change, as my friend will stay there for the whole winter now), I got really excited! Where in the morning I was still dreading having to move, a few hours later I found the perfect place! (Or it found me haha)

In the evening my friend saw her landlady and she also agrees, so today I’m moving to my new home!! A perfect new start after the full moon last night – feeling super grateful!

❤🙏❤

I hope this story inspires you if you are feeling down at the moment… Know that everything can shift within a day! Keep believing, keep trusting. And if you have a difficult time to do that, just send out what you want and then distract yourself – let the Universe work its magic! All is well.